Doctor Doctor
by PaperPrince
Summary: One shots about Dr McCoy, Some ontain spones, others a very irritating and misbehaving Kirk. You have been warned. NEW IMPROVED CHAPTER 26! Please read it is funny! Promise!
1. Chapter 1

Kirk yelps in pain as he is cruelly stabbed with yet another Hypo. "Bones is all this really necessary?" He asks waving to all the medical equipment he is currently hooked up to. "I mean the Gorn that attacked was hardly more than a baby…"

He rubes his sore neck, trying to get up of the biobed he is currently resting on. McCoy barely glances up from the PADD as he shoves Jim back down using his free hand. "Behave!" He warns. "Else I'll get the nurse to give you a prostate exam again" He says smirking slightly. Sometimes it paid to be the CMO.

Having at last dealt with their infantile Captain, McCoy turns his attention to his other patient resting on the opposite biobed. Despite the large gash to his arm the Vulcan has been sitting patiently waiting his turn. With the nurse dabbing at green blood McCoy takes the opportunity to check his vitals. Perfect as usual.

Within minutes Spock is patched up, fit and ready for duty once again. Doctor McCoy sighs, "what a difference it is to have a patient that won't fight you at every turn" he thinks glaring at Jim.

Jim glares back as he watches McCoy let the Vulcan go. "Unfair" he mutters darkly. McCoy frowns as if remembering something. He pokes his head through the door of sickbay yelling after Spock. "Wait, I forgot to give you something!" quickly searching the pockets of his white coat. The Captain hopes it's a hypo.

The tips of Spock's mouth turn up ever so slightly as he reaches out for the Doctor's gift. Spock stares at the brightly coloured lollipop, briefly examining it before putting it away. He thanks McCoy for his gift and promises to eat it later once his shift has ended.

Kirk watches as Spock leaves his mouth agape for he doesn't ever recall seeing Spock smile. "Doctor, am I hallucinating?" he asks sinking back on to the pillows.


	2. Chapter 2

Vulcan surprise evident on his face Spock stares at the Doctor as he rolled around on the floor laughing. He had not anticipated this reaction. Perhaps he had said the words wrong. He looked again at the PADD in his hand, no the words were the same as they had been moments ago.

He looked down at the Doctor who had yet to regain his composure. Their eyes meet and Spock feels the tips of his ears heat up, as he stares at him confused. Was the Doctor rejecting his confession? Did he not feel the same way?

He had followed the Captain advice to the letter and yet it wasn't working out as planned. Which was odd because the Captain had sworn to him that these were the appropriate words to use to convey his feels to the doctor. He looks again at the PADD this time noticing his mistake. He lets out a breath that's not deep enough to be a sigh. it appears he has missed the last line and therefore not completed the ritual. He smiles at his foolishness, the mystery to doctor's strange reaction solved. He takes a breath. "Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang Walla walla, bing bang..."


	3. Chapter 3

"Pow pow pow" yells the Captain firing three more 'missiles' in quick succession. He's preparing to reload when a hand hits the table loudly, causing his ammunition to roll off the fork. He looks up at the monster he had been firing on.

McCoy glares down at him " Damn it Jim I told you to knock it off, I'm trying to eat here!" he says gesturing at his own tray of food that is now covered in peas. Kirk flashes him a charming apologetic smile, the kind that makes girls swoon at his feet regardless of their species. Sadly for Jim, McCoy seems impervious to the effects and instead looks like he wants to hurt the Captain.

Kirk having run out of peas grabs a spoon and the disgusting excuse for chocolate pudding. He grins at the Doctor and loads up the spoon. McCoy looks at him in horror. "You wont" he cries. The captain does, hitting him square in the face. "That's it from now on I'm eating with Spock!" yells McCoy storming off to sickbay.


	4. Chapter 4

They've barely been in deep space for three weeks before someone's patience runs out and they 'fix' the replicators, preventing the crew of the enterprise from producing all the sugary sweet junk food that they so desperately crave.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the culprit behind it all is none other than Doctor McCoy, who has loudly been complaining about the health of the crew since before they even left the space port.

In fact it's almost like a daily ritual of his to yell out things like "For crying out loud, Chekov get it into your head! Pizza and Pringles are not a balanced meal" and "Jim I'm a doctor, not a dentist! " until he's blue in the face and still they don't listen. Not even when he tells crewman Cupcake "you know your dangerously high cholesterol level actually more likely to kill you than the parasitic worm stuck to your chest but I doubt you want to do anything about that!"

It takes a little longer for their sugar deprived brains to realise that the Doctor must have been helped in this venture as the man knows little to nothing about engineering. Logically his accomplice is Spock for he is the only one who is patient enough to listen to the Doctor's rants "I swear it's as if they've never even seen a vegetable that's not been deep fried and smothered in butter" fumes McCoy, principally eying a certain Scotsman as he talks.


	5. Chapter 5

The planet Coreedor was extremely dangerous, filled with acidic bogs the size of lakes that spewed toxic gasses so deadly they could render men unconscious in seconds without the right headgear.

It was therefore highly illogical to even attempt mission to the planet but for the Doctor's urgent need for the weeping wormwart weed, a plant that had been commonplace on Vulcan but was now only found in the murky depths of Coreedor.

It was common consensus that resulted in a reluctant Spock being sent down to the planet to collect the plant. For as far as far as the rest of the crew were concerned he was the idiot who had caused the Doctor's need in the first place.

Spock personally felt their reasoning illogical being that it had been an accident, one that both he and the Doctor had not anticipated while conducting certain experiments. He did not however voice his grievances, as by now he was well aware that McCoy made good on his threats.

It was this thought in mind that he heroically braved the dangers of the planet and fought the vicious Slime-snapper for the plants so desperately craved by his extremely hormonal and pregnant bond mate.


	6. Chapter 6

McCoy sighed, ever since he had come aboard the enterprise it felt like he had suddenly become a dad to an entire ship full of overgrown brats that seemed to be constantly discovering new ways to maim and injure themselves.

It was like living with a bunch of Darwin Award winners in the making. Honestly the number of time outs he had handed out this week alone was stupefying. Surprisingly it was the ones who should know better that were the worst. Namely the idiotic Captain and First Officer, "Was it too much to ask to just have one mission that didn't end up nearly killing them?" He thought.

Talking about them, their five minutes on the naughty step were nearly up. Sighing he decided to leave them to stew for a while longer and go take a much-needed nap.


	7. Chapter 7

**Story inspired by the song "The hat" by Ingrid Michaelson. Look it up or not it's your choice.**

It had been a stupid idea after all. He didn't know what he had been thinking making this hat. It wasn't even circular but rather a wobbly kind of oval. Besides its not like Spock would actually accept it let alone wear it. After all everyone knew vulcans didn't celebrate Christmas.

Looking down at the knitted hat it was obvious to the Doctor that it was ugly, a mess of blue with gold patches. The gold patches had meant to represent the stars, glistening in the dark cold universe bringing light to the darkest corners. It was meant to be a peace offering, something practical to keep his pointy ears warm. Looking at it now the hat was sure to offend.

He sighs and rubs a tired eye. His deft surgeon's hands had butchered every stitch. He had been so intent on getting it finished on time he didn't even notice the mistakes. He wonders if it's too late to get him something else, and then remembers that they are in space. It's not much and he probably wont like it, but it will have to do.

"Merry Christmas ya pointy eared hobgoblin" Says McCoy with all the Christmas cheer he can muster pushing the revolting hat into a seriously surprised Spock's hands. Though Spock doesn't reciprocate, seeing the usually stoic eyebrows disappear into the truly terrible bowl haircut is gift enough for McCoy.


	8. Chapter 8 Hide and Hide Again

McCoy is not a physiatrist nor does he want to be for the very thought of listening all day to people complain about their trivial problems irritates him. He's no good at giving advice and he knows it. Not that the majority of his patients listen to his advice anyway, the fools.

It is for this reason and not the fact he is barely more than three years older than the majority of the crew (ignoring ensign Chekov who lets face it, was the baby of the ship) that McCoy is irritated when the rest of them start treating him like some kind of father figure. The kind that gasp, gives out hugs.

To make matters worse his particularly awful brand of bedside manner fails to deter the daily hoard of unnecessary visitors to sickbay. Leaving him with no choice but to take more drastic measures such as actively avoiding sickbay and his quarters after the end of his shifts.

They catch on to his hideouts surprisingly quickly; mostly due to all the extra help Jim keeps giving them. The females on the ship in particular make it their prerogative to find him once the Captain promises to provide the victor with a 'special' reward. The "game" as everyone begins to call it gets so bad that at one point McCoy finds himself sleeping in the same emergency service corridor as Scotty's illegal and totally nonexistent Still.

It is only due to the intervention of a certain science officer that McCoy is finally able to get a goodnights sleep. Albeit one found in quarters other than his own.


	9. Chapter 9

**Note this is a short sequel to chapter 6. I admit it's not very McCoy centric but was written to satisfy a friend who really wanted to see more of Kirk and Spock's suffering!**

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><p>It was Sulu who finally found the two of them sitting in the middle of the corridor, just outside of sickbay on stools that were much to small to be comfortable. Spock seemed to be either meditating or sleeping, though as he had never seen Spock do either before he wasn't sure which. They were strangely quiet, well at least the Captain was. Sulu had never seen him sit so still, it was unnerving.<p>

He goes to talk to them, ask if they are all right when he suddenly remembers the reason why he is searching for them in the first place. "Shouldn't you two be on the bridge right now?" thought its not the way he should be talking to the Captain and First Officer the words just slip out before he can help himself. His face turns red as Spock cold eyes bore into his.

"Your observation is correct, however we have been ordered to remain sitting on what Doctor McCoy has termed the naughty step until his return." Spock replies coolly

"Oh well do you know if he's coming back?" he asks trying hard not laugh. "As the Doctor promised to relive us after five minutes of punishment and it has already been approximately 2.5 hours. The probability of his arrival is imminent but diminishing. "

Sulu isn't really sure how the doctor has managed to get his superiors to sit still for almost three hours but decides that it's probably a good idea not to interfere. He sighs "I guess I better return to the bridge then" he says trying to work out how he will explain it to the others.

He turns to leave when a thought occurs to him. " Before I go you two wouldn't know how to deal with a dozen angry Klingon space ships would you?"


	10. Chapter 10

The Captain could be a real Famet sometimes thought McCoy as he desperately tried and failed to retrieve his PADD from the Captain's steely grasp. Usually he didn't mind when the Captain played keep away with his stuff however today was different.

For barely moments before Spock had sent him a love note which the Captain was bound to see and would lead to all sorts of awkward questions which the two of them weren't ready for just yet. It was fortunate then that in his panic the Doctor had forgotten one major thing about the Captain, he was incredibly stupid.

Kirk stared momentarily at the PADD in his hands and the note that read ME + U = ∞ and then back up at McCoy's worried face. Maybe they'd got away with it thought McCoy. Kirk didn't understand what it mean right? An evil grin slowly crept up the Captain's cheeks, just 'cause he didn't understand didn't mean he was beaten yet. "Hey Scotty he called come have a look at this formula for me!"


	11. Chapter 11

**I had some real trouble writing this one but I hope you like it anyway!**

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><p>Drumming her fingers on the edge of the desk nurse Chapel gazes around sickbay. It's been an infuriatingly quiet night and she is board, having completed her work hours ago.<p>

If only she hadn't misplaced her favourite bodice ripper Vlad the Vulcan she thinks. Sighing she tries to decide which is better counting the medical supplies for the third time or settling down with one of McCoy's medical reports. Realising her leg is asleep she decides on the later, getting the computer to pull up a file at random.

It turns out to be a report documenting a Vulcan disease called Pon Farr whatever that is. Intrigued she begins reading.

"Was woken at 2am by a call from Spock who requested immediate assistance. It seemed to be a dire emergency so I hurriedly got my things together. Got to Spock's quarters roughly five minutes later. Was alone. On arrival to Spock's was jumped by Spock who then proceeded to…" Realisation hits nurse Chapel suddenly along with a rather violent nose bleed.

Dabbing at the blood she decides that maybe tonight won't be so boring after all.


	12. Chapter 12 Space picnic

**Story inspired by the cutest drawing I saw. To get the link please visit my profile page as it wouldn't upload properly when I did it before.**

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><p>Staring at the spread laid out in front of him McCoy wasn't sure what was more delicious the food or his pointy eared hobgoblin. Smiling he sits down on the soft chequered blanket that covered the floor of the observation deck and pulled a plate towards him.<p>

Spock stares back at him, his face impassive but for the twinkling of his dark inviting eyes. "You've really out done yourself this time" says McCoy biting into a cheese and tomato sandwich as the stars dance above them.


	13. Chapter 13 Allergies

**I'll leave you to come up with your own conclusions about this one.**

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><p>"It's a good thing you only ate the one Jim or else we'd now be looking for a new Captain " says McCoy stabbing Kirk with yet another hypo. Kirk for once says nothing for his tongue is still several times too big for his mouth and covered in painful purple blisters.<p>

On the one hand McCoy is furious with the Captain for yet again endangering the success of the whole mission. On the other it seems that he's won the bet he'd made with Spock about the strange mating habits of the Webvores….


	14. Chapter 14 the Sehlat

Its only after the Vulcan princess has left the Enterprise that McCoy realises that her adorable parting gift, a chubby brown teddy bear with fangs, was alive.

Ignoring for a moment that he had no idea what to do with the creature (except maybe chucking the thing out of the airlock) there's a ship wide ban on pets of any sort.

While the fluffy thing that's currently curled up on his desk looks friendly he doesn't want to risk it, well aware of the damage Kirk's beloved pet tiger Terry had inflicted upon escaping the confinement of the captain's quarters. While it was unlikely that the thing would be able to consume two red shirts (Terry had been much bigger after all) he doesn't want to have to go through that much paper work again.

Finding no other alternative he does the logical thing and ties a pink bow around the bear like creature and leaves it in Spock's quarters for the Vulcan to find.


	15. Chapter 15

Blue and silver glitter drips of the captain as he makes his way towards Spock and McCoy, his new BFFs. Smiling he presents them with the handiwork of several late nights and copious amounts of coffee, glue and the aforementioned glitter.

McCoy chokes on his coffee. "What the hell is that?" he asks scowling. "I made us matching jerseys" says Jim ignoring the face McCoy was currently making.

Kirk tosses Spock a super special handmade jersey. Spock examines it for a moment. "Once again you amaze me Captain" he says turning the jersey over so the words written in glitter are clearly visible to all.

"Would I be astute in assuming that this is meant to read team awesome not team ewesome or are these shirts meant for a group of female sheep?" He asks looking up at the Captain with deeply serious eyes, the corners of his lips threatening to curl into a smile.

Snatching back the offending article Kirk hurriedly storms off to find some better friends.

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><p>Note I hope you like the improvements I made to this! Please review it makes my day.<p> 


	16. Chapter 16 Poster Boy

**Note sorry for not updating lately but I was on holiday.**

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><p>'Officially' Dr McCoy had put it up in sickbay purely to annoy the Captain. The Nurses knew better than to believe him though. Sure Kirk had been trying and failing to get himself put on one of the federation recruitment posters but it still didn't explain why the good Doctor hung up one that featured the First Officer.<p>

Most believed that he had lost some kind of bet, though Chapel insisted that McCoy had a crush on the straight-laced CSO. Which of course was ridiculous. (They did however find themselves watching their interactions more closely).

For the most part the junior doctors tried their best to pretend that there was no poster hanging above what was more or less the Captain's personal biobed. For the poster itself gave off a slightly disconcerting feeling as if they were on the receiving end of the real Spock's stern gaze as they pottered about sickbay.

That said none of the medical staff felt comfortable saying anything to their CMO about the poster, mostly because looking at it always produced a large smile on the foul CMO's face.


	17. Chapter 17

McCoy stared at the large red lobster that was the Captain and sighed. It seemed that the several large bottles of sun cream had done little to prevent Kirk getting burnt despite their high factor.

He supposed he should be grateful that Kirk hadn't come back from leave with yet another alien STD. However McCoy was starting to get tired of the Captain ignoring his warnings. After all his Nurses had better things to do than spend their time rubbing salve over an incapacitated Captain.

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><p>It didn't take McCoy long to prise the truth from a very sore and sun burnt Captain, who had stupidly decided to use his vacation rubbing lotion on a variety of scantily clad beach bimbos instead of himself. Apparently he had made quiet a convincing tanning assistant. Until he had run into Spock that is.<p>

Blowing the Captain's cover hadn't made him popular but on the other hand Spock had probably saved his life. A few more hours out there and McCoy would've been growing Kirk new skin.


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry its so short but I've been busy...**

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><p>In some ways it was good that Dr McCoy was not proficient in Vulcan else he would have been irate and very confused at the note he found pinned to the front of his shirt after a heavy drinking session with Kirk, which read: <em>If found please return to First Officer Spock.<em>

On the other hand it may have prepared him for the shock of finding himself curled up in bed semi-naked with the aforementioned First Officer.


	19. Chapter 19

**I haven't quiet got the hang of writing drabbles yet- but I'll get there!**

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><p>The speed at which Spock managed to consume the very expensive bouquet of birthday flowers was in McCoy's opinion both impressive and annoying (after all it had taken forever to find a delivery service that would come this far out in the quadrant).<p>

It was however still worth all the hassle, just to see the look of enjoyment on the hobgoblin's face. "Next year though I'll get him a hat" he thought.


	20. Chapter 20 The Cape

It is one thing to have the Captain burst into your room in the middle of an "emergency" and another to have it happen when you are in the middle of _getting it_ on with the First Officer. It is another thing entirely for said Captain to burst into your room in just his pyjamas.

Especially considering that Kirk's bedtime attire consists of little more than _a long red cape and matching boots_. **Actually that's all it consists of.**

McCoy's eyes (which have been tainted by the view that's now burnt into his brain) can't stop staring at the Captain who seems to be frozen in his best superhero pose that is akin to that of superman, with his hands at his sides and his chest puffed out unnecessarily.

It deflates a little once he realises that his presence is uncalled for and a blush creeps up his cheeks as he unsuccessfully tries to use the cape to cover himself. They silently stare at him as he shuffles his way back towards the door his mouth opening and closing like a surprised goldfish.

"Thank God he didn't ask to join us"


	21. Chapter 21

Gaila (having had her other suggestions shot down) takes him out for smoothies and ends up having an allergic reaction to the Klingon strawberries. Scotty makes him huge quantities of vegetable soup from plants stolen from Sulu's greenhouse. Captain Kirk extends his communication privileges so he can talk to his father on New Vulcan several times a week for as long as he wants to (providing the ship is in range of course).

Nurse Chapel learns Vulcan and proceeds to record a number of Vulcan lullabies (her voice is actually marvellous and her accent very good but it's still slightly strange).

Cupcake lends him his collection of cuddly antique teddy bears. While Sulu and Chekov force him to attend several illogical movie marathons featuring old earth classics.

Keenser resets the temperature controls in his quarters so that the default setting is suitable for half Vulcans and fixes it so that the replicator produces more than ten types of vegetarian meals. Uhura takes him to a spa and treats him to facials and massages from four armed aliens called Sven (among all sorts of other girly treatments that Kirk should **never** be told about).

And Bones… well Bones yells at him when he returns from away missions half dead. For example the words "You come back with one more scratch Mister and I'll get you charged with attempting to kill a member of an endangered species!" have been yelled on multiple occasions.

Bones forces him to eat three solid meals a day (along with the occasional chocolate pudding). Bones constantly calls him names and fights him about paper work and overtime. Bones complains about the smell of his incense and regularly tries to mess up his hair when he thinks no one is looking.

In spite of all this Spock tries to tolerate McCoy's annoying illogical human behaviour for one reason, McCoy is the most devoted fan of Professor Grayson and has the largest collection of her music in the galaxy including her rare left handed piano concerto.


	22. Chapter 22

"Father he's scratching it again" yells Junior his small voice cutting through the relatively quiet sickbay.

The words "Am not" are heard shortly after along with what hopefully isn't the sound of pillows being chucked at innocent ten year olds. Sighing McCoy puts down his work and returns to quarantine only to have his suspicions confirmed.

"DANG IT JIM I TOLD YOU TO REST! YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE YOU KNOW" he screams before turning to the tiny figure in the next bed "AND YOU! STOP PICKING YOUR SCABS OR YOU'LL END UP WITH PERMANENT GREEN SPLODGES ON THOSE POINTY EARS OF YOURS!"

Jim snickers at the last comment and ends up getting another earful. "THAT REMINDS ME. WHAT SORT OF STAR SHIP CAPTAIN HASN'T HAD THE VULCAN MUMPS? HAVEN'T THEY HEARD OF INOCULATIONS IN IOWA OR SOMETHING"


	23. Chapter 23

Kirk knew it was gonna be one of those days when he came to in Sickbay and found Chapel holding a CD player blasting out the song YMCA, while McCoy desperately performed CPR on Spock.

McCoy knows it was gonna be one of those days when he caught sight of the beautiful yet scantily dressed humanoid daughter of Zoorg smiling at the Captain. "I just hope she's on birth control" he thinks.

Spock predicts that today is going to be a disaster when he gets a face full of weird alien pollen. "Please not the sex drug again" he thinks shortly before passing out.


	24. Chapter 24

When Leonard is six he dreams of exploring the stars, at least he does before his parents take him to a space museum that is. Somewhere in between looking at fragments of space vessels, reading about deadly space viruses, throwing up several times whilst inside a simulator and holding the gleaming white bones of deceased aliens and star ship Captains the spark of adventure in him is lost.

It takes roughly twenty years, a broken marriage and a whole lot of Romulan booze for him to find it again.


	25. Chapter 25

"Amazing" says Jim smiling like a kid who has been allowed way too many juice boxes. "I thought the two of you were building a coffee maker or some sort of doomsday machine in order to kill me and replace me with some sort or robot but I never expected this. I mean a baby~ wow." He says excitedly running a hand through his hair. He peers through the glass at the little foetus trying to make out its features. "Hey Bones I think it has your nose and Spock ears!"

Behind him the video link crackles "Captain I believe you are mistaken, the child clearly takes after her late grandmother Amanda" says Sarek who despite currently being thousands of light years away is more than ready to argue with the Captain on matters concerning his future grandchild. His logical arguments are quickly backed up by several other Vulcans (most of whom are female and all of them discreetly trying to shove the others out of the picture so they can get a better view of the baby).

Of course hardly anyone notices this being busy playing "lets exchange our name tags while no one is looking so it appears that we got the happy couple the big expensively wrapped in blue paper present instead of a diaper bag" (or something else that seemed awesome in the store but now seems boring and practical). This game is played so successfully that by the time they open the presents everyone's name tags are back on the gift they originated from.

In one corner of the room Uhura (along with what seems to be every other female crewmember) have crowded around Spock trying to swap hours of babysitting, name suggestions and knitted goods for Godmother status. Oblivious to his partner's torment McCoy is busy explaining the importance of various valves and tubes to Scotty who for the last several weeks has been wondering where parts of his beloved ship have disappeared to.

At least he does in between in between bouts of yelling at various crewmembers for apparently disturbing the baby's rest by tapping the glass. Needless to say the party is broken up as soon as Spock can prise himself free from the gaggle of babyless females.

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><p><strong>Note if you are a fan of my oneshots that are more SpockBones central you should definatly read my new story -One Vulcan Please!- **

**Also reviews and ideas are always welcome!**


	26. Chapter 26 Lenore

**Improved Story with new changes, because I thought this fic was missing something. Please Review! Also see my poll!**

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><p>"Doctor-"<p>

"Were alone so call me Lenore, Spock " says Bones interrupting him from her spot on the medical bed. Dark eyes look her up and down, taking in her features or more notably her attire. She manages not to smile though a tinge of pink spreads across her cheeks as she anticipates his next move.

"Doctor are the lights in your quarters malfunctioning?" Lenore shakes her head letting her loose medium length brown hair sway seductively as she does so. Spock tries again. "Then have you been a victim of some sort of prank? Is that why you require my assistance?" She shakes her head again trying not to get annoyed at his lack of reaction. Ignoring his inquisitive stare Lenore casually undoes another button while brushing an invisible hair away.

As Lenore begins to stretch in a most peculiar manner, extending her legs and arms while simultaneously pushing out her bust Spock begins to wonder why she has called him during his leisure time if not to talk about their latest research paper. Putting his PADD down besides her Spock subtly tries to indicate his desire to discuss the potential scientific uses for the newly discovered batch of alien spores which induce hair growth.

The attempt fails, perhaps due to its subtlety. Dissatisfied Spock decides to question Lenore's choice of attire further for it does not seem suitable to maintain an appropriate body temperature. Perhaps that is the reason for the altered room temperature he thinks.

Spock shifts slightly as if unsure how to bring up the conversation without upsetting the doctor for she seems to have put considerable effort into her strange appearance. "I find myself perplexed at your appearance for you appear to have made alterations to your uniform that are not..." he pauses trying to find the appropriate word "strictly regulation" "Are you dissatisfied with the current uniforms issued to female members of Star Fleet? Do you wish me to discuss it with the Captain?"

His words seem to destroy the last of Lenore's patience. "Damn it Spock! I was trying to seduce you!" yelled Lenore loudly and almost as harshly as the PADD thrown across the room. Pulling the white lab coat closed McCoy tries to get up from the bed with her dignity intact. "For crying out loud- just give me a baby already!" she moans storming into her office and slamming the door muttering something along the lines of "If only Jim and I weren't cousins..."


	27. Chapter 27

**Fresher's week is awesome! I was up till three last night dancing!**

"It's funny how an arrow in the chest brings people together don't you think?" says McCoy gasping for breath looking up at the Captain and First officer who mere moments ago had been arguing. Now the three of them are stuck behind a bolder hiding from the natives who lacked even the faintest comprehension of the words "we come in peace" and "don't shoot".

The worry evident on both their faces tells Bones the wound is serious. "To hell with that" he thinks propping himself up on his elbows trying not to wince as he does so. he's the expert here after all, besides it not like the Tricorder's working anyway. Not that they'd believe the results if it were.

Kirk tells him to wait for them to try and contact the ship which as in most emergencies is out of range. "Calm down Jim I'm not dying" he practically yells as Kirk makes a grab for his hand. As if to prove his point he pulls the arrow head from his chest and grins at the two of them.

Something seems to click in both of their heads as they stare at the doctor in horror. Jim's hand points at him accusingly "you're an immortal" he says stupidly. McCoy rolls his eyes and sighs "No Jim, I'm mortal- you gotta stop watching torchwood its messing you up bad- I'm just not entirely human"

Spock nods his head having just come to that conclusion while Jim struggles to digest how mind-blowingly awesome it was to have an alien best friend.

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><p>"what type?" asks Jim later having returned to the ship alive. "Romulan? Andorian? Capellan? Deltan? what?" he asks curiously. Spock chooses that moment to enter sickbay at which point McCoy suddenly becomes interested in his paperwork.<p>

Kirk looks over at Spock, his eyes light up and a grin slowly spreads across his face.

"not Vulcan? " he asks in awe.

"6.25 percent Vulcan to be precise" says Spock who in the little time back on board has researched the matter.

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><p><strong>Bonus lines I couldn't make work but decided to include anyway!<strong>

"I asked to be seen by Vulcan Doctor"

"Yea well I'm as Vulcan as your gonna get out here"

"Jim get that damn Steak out of my face! You know I'm vegetarian"

and "Stop looking at my ears! Damn it!"


	28. Chapter 28

"And your sure he's not using mind control on you?" asks Jim as he pulls several boxes out from the van stacking them on top of each other and carrying them with ease. "Look stop asking that or I'll get my hypo out and stab you with it" replies McCoy who is struggling to carry just one box up the stairs.

"I just don't think its right, you moving in with him that's all" "He's your arch enemy not mine" says McCoy shrugging. "I'm just a simple country doctor remember? Besides I'm tired of seeing you laze around all day in boxer shorts" he pauses in front of the doorway and pulls some keys from his pocket "And he's promised to do all the vacuuming". He kicks the door open to reveal a clean yet sparsely decorated apartment.

Jim hesitates in the open doorway "Are you sure it's alright for me to just come in this way? Cos I can fly around back and break down one of the walls or something". "Its fine kid, just watch out for the floor traps" says McCoy putting down his box by the disappointingly normal sofa.

"Are you sure this is the right place? It's full of books. Evil lairs shouldn't be full of books they should have war heads and bombs and evil stuff. This place is boring!" whines Jim. "What's Spock do anyway? You know for a day job?" "You know full well he's a librarian, which as far as I'm concerned is far better than a strip club owner. At least he'll be bringing back books not scantily clad prostitutes" "I'll have you know they're part of my cover" mumbles Jim as he lets the boxes with the fragile stickers on drop to the floor with a bang. "My china!" moans Bones.

"What kind of villain calls himself the commander anyway?" asks Jim ignoring him.

"Asks the guy wearing a giant cockerel on his shirt and calls himself Captain" Bones retorts picking up the smashed pieces from the floor. "It's not my fault that all the good superhero names were taken. Besides it makes a hell of a chat up line!"

"Just help me clean this up will you? He'll be back soon and I promised him I'd help install the piranha tank."


	29. Chapter 29

**Sorry this chapter is short but I've been busy with induction all week.**

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><p>"Bam" yells Jim as he jumps from the table onto the large pile of baby tribbles, sending them flying in all directions. A particularly large brown one barely misses Uhura who is in the corner playing operator with a toy communicator. Her startled scream disturbs the younger children from their nap. Sleepily Chekov rubs a drowsy eye with a fisted blanket, curling himself closer around Sulu as he does so (which earns him an awwwwwwww from the nursery workers).<p>

Having now progressed to throwing the peaceful hamster like creatures around the room, Jim is quickly sentenced to a time out for bad behaviour by Mrs. Sarek. Despite his punishment being short Jim sulks until break time (which is when Chris gives him her cookie and a kiss).

He then promptly gets into a fight with Cupcake over whose turn it is to play with the bright red fire engine and receives yet another timeout, preventing him from playing marriages with the others. As a result the numbers are uneven which makes the game much more interesting (especially when Scotty ends up with Keenser).

Of course not everybody decides to join in. McCoy and Spock for example being the oldest and therefore most grown up are busy playing scientists a game that strangely enough requires the participants to bond with each other first. According to Spock that is.

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><p>Please review to make the robot happy!<p>

{(*_*)}


	30. Chapter 30

**I have realised that many of my stories lack much conversation. This is me rectifying it.**

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><p>"Jim just admit already, for crying out loud it's not that big of a deal- is it Spock?" "There are an extraordinary amount of personnel to remember. Being human it is understandable that you have not yet memorised every face and name on board this ship"<p>

"Honestly guys I'm fine, look that's Jayda over there by the fountain" says Jim pointing. They follow his finger to look at the blond who waves at them."Of course you know who she is she's your yeoman, you've been to bed with her twice" McCoy replies sternly.

Spock's eyebrow raises in surprise and Jim blushes. He coughs awkwardly and looks away from Spock's disapproving Vulcan eyes. "Look can we just drop it?"

"Jim just yesterday you called me Dr McNinja" "That was a joke!" "The Ambassador didn't think so! They're freezing my pay until they can confirm that I'm who I say am."

"So?" "They want me to report to federation head quarters in person and who knows when we'll return to earth!" Says McCoy trying hard not yell at the idiotic Captain.

"Captain, may I also remind you of the 32 separate occasions when you have referred to me as Sock instead of my given name"

"Guys I don't have a problem, look test me- I don't mind. Just choose someone anyone and ask me their name" Spock and McCoy exchange a glance the sort Jim finds unreadable. Spock's eyes scan the canteen. "Over there, those two engineers tell me their last names."

"Who? Our CEO and his little green friend?" "Yes" Jim clears his throat. "That's easy our CEO is Mr Scott and... um that's uh that green guy he's..." Kirk squints his eyes as if trying to read a nonexistent name badge. McCoy and Spock look at him the hint of a smirk on their faces.

"You don't know do you?" Asks McCoy. Kirk searches his brain desperate not to give up just yet. "Um I think his first name is Kinsley does that count?" "No now go study the log books like you promised to"

"but I-"

"No buts mister! just go!"

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><p><strong>Note this is the my last chapter of Doctor Doctor as I wish to broaden my Star Trek one-shots to include  focus on other characters. **


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